Friday, January 12, 2007

The Pittsburgh Pirates 2007 Off-Season Checklist

The following memo was found unattended with no names on it in the Pirates front office today...
(OK, not really)

  • Keep Jim Tracy happy
    • Sign his two stepsons to minor league contracts.
    • Trade for his actual son (Wrong Chad Tracy. Screw it.)
  • Reward everyone who's made this team what it is today.
    • Promote Ed Creech to Senior Director of Scouting.
    • Promote Brian Graham to Senior Director of Player Development.
    • Make Bob Nutting the "owner."
  • Placate Dave Littlefield
    • Just refer to him every time I mention building a winning team. Tell him he can spend money and encourage him to go after guys who will never sign here (see: Suppan, Jeff).
  • Improve the baseball team
    • Remember, 40 men go on the 40 man roster.
      • Romulo!
    • Improve presence in Latin America
      • Use Salomon Torres' incredible baseball academy (screw it, sounds like work).
      • Sign a Cuban defector who hasn't pitched in two years.
      • Put Romulo! on the 40-man roster (see above) and mention him over and over again.
      • Talk about Renee Gayo at every opportunity. Make sure to mention Jhonny Peralta and Willy Taveras. Also, stop referring to Renee as "El Gayo" in office e-mails. This seems to upset him.
    • See point one under "Keep Jim Tracy happy," man were people sad when that Jose K guy left last year (find out what the K stands for).
    • Bring in a fifth starter that can eat innings and is right handed (Note to self: Find out what a labrum is. Find out what a rotator cuff is. See if pitchers need these).
    • Trade for a modern equivalent of Babe Ruth without breaking up the awesome 67 win baseball team we had last year.
    • Do not, under any circumstances, trade the following integral players.
      • Chris Duffy, center fielder and lead-off man extraordinaire!
      • Mike Gonzalez, closer. You can never have enough relievers. Ever.
      • Paul Maholm, starting pitcher. One time I heard someone mention him and Tom Glavine in a sentence. Must be good.
      • Jose Hernandez and Mike Edwards, utility guys. Tracy will kill us.
      • Damaso Marte, reliever. He's so cheap! We can't trade him if he's cheap.
    • Trade the following players:
      • Jose Castillo, second base. Fat and lazy.
      • Wait. That's it. Wouldn't want to mess with success.