Wednesday, April 04, 2007

I'm pretty sure this is how it works

The Pittsburgh Pirate Drafting Philosophy. A (Probably Fictional) Play

The Scene: It is 1999. Mickey White and Cam Bonifay are in the Pittsburgh Pirate War Room discussing strategy. A heated argument breaks out.

Bonifay: I think sticking a needle in my eye is a good idea.

White: I want to eat ice cream.

Bonifay: Ice cream will make me fat. I could have a heart attack and die.

White: Yeah but sticking a needle in your eye will hurt like hell.

Bonifay: Sticks a needle in his eye.

White: That's it. I'm finishing the draft.

It is now 2000. The setting and characters are the same

White: Cam, didn't sticking that needle in your eye hurt like crazy?

Bonifay: Why yes it did, Mickey. Thanks for asking.

White: So why not try the ice cream this year?

Bonifay: That sounds like a good idea. I think I'll...sticks a needle in his eye.

White: F%$&! I'm finishing the draft again. I hate you.

It's now 2001. Bonifay is gone but White remains.

White: Finally, I can do what I want with this draft. What did Cam ever see in this stupid needle anyways? As White picks up the needle, the ghost of Cam Bonifay appears and jams it in his eye. Kevin McClatchy enters

McClatchy: Mickey, are you f%$&ing retarded? You've got Cam's needle in your eye after I fired him for sticking it in his eye. You're fired.

It's now 2002. Ed Creech and Dave Littlefield have taken over and are studying Mickey White's long lost journal.

Littlefield: Hey, Ed. Mickey has some New York strip steak on the top of his list here. Wanna try some?

Creech: Well, I pretty much only know about sticking needles in my eye. I did it in Montreal, St. Louis, and LA and I still got hired here, so it must be a good strategy.

Littlefield: Doesn't that hurt? Strip steak sounds so good.

Creech: Yeah, but I know it hurts. I've never had strip steak before. Anything could happen if I try it. I'd rather stick with what I know.

Littlefield: Oddly, that seems perfectly logical to me. Sticks a needle in his eye.

It's 2003. Littlefield is slightly wary of Creech.

Littlefield: Ed, sticking that needle in my eye hurt like a mother.

Creech: Yeah. I know. I told you it would.

Littlefield: OK, well how 'bout a hamburger this year. It sure looks good.

Creech: DAVE! NO! THAT HAMBURGER IS SEVERELY UNDERCOOKED! YOU COULD DIE! Sticks a needle in DL's eye. Barely misses.

It's 2004 now. Creech and Littlefield are again talking

Littlefield: Ed, I hate you. You almost poked my eye out last year. I am having pierogies this year and there's nothing you can do about it.

Creech: PIEROGIES! There could be anything in a pierogi! Cheese! Potatoes! Anything!

Littlefield: Actually, that's about it- cheese or potatoes. And you can't stop me. Littlefield eats his pierogie while Creech screams in terror.

It's 2005 now. Creech and Littlefield are still in the War Room.

Littlefield: Damn, those pierogies sure were good. I'm thinking about trying some filet mignon this year.

Creech: Dave. You can't be serious. You do know that's a cow, right? Who eats cows?

Littlefield: Me. Gets out his steak-knife and eats his filet while Creech breaks down in tears.

It's 2006 now. Creech and Littlefield are both illogically still employed.

Creech: Dave, those pierogies were dangerously out of position and we may have to convert them to ravioli soon. That filet had so much damn plate patience that you nearly choked on it. I don't know what kind of crazy thing you're thinking of trying this year, but I've already got the needle out and it's ready to go into your eye. Just say the word.

Littlefield: Dammit, Ed. Why do you have to make so much sense. Give me the needle. Sticks the needle into his eye.

Creech: How do we still have jobs?

Littlefield: I don't know, man, we're the luckiest needle-eyed sons of bitches around.