Thursday, May 15, 2008

Oh, to be a fly on the wall

The Scene: Jim Hendry's office- Monday, May 12th, 2008. Hendry is perusing 2008 NL Central Champions t-shirt designs when suddenly his door flies open.

Dave Littlefield: Jim! Jim! I need to talk to you!

Jim Hendry: Dave, didn't the guards tell you to stay out? You know I only hired you as a thanks for Aramis Ramirez.

DL: No, you gave me Bobby Hill for that.

They laugh in unison.

DL: But seriously, you hired me as assistant general manager ...

JH: Assistant TO the general manager. Wait, no, you're a scout.

DL: Right, assistant general manager. Anyways, it is my duty to inform you of a wonderful thing that's just happened.

JH: (intrigued) What's that?

DL: Jim Edmonds has been cut! He's a free agent!

JH: That's funny ... my veteranosity meter didn't go off. He flicks the small spinning glass top on his desk. This thing's supposed to whistle whenever there's been a shift in the veteranosity levels. But Dave, do we need Edmonds? I mean, Reed Johnson's killing the ball and Felix Pie's a pretty good young player. And let's not forget that Edmonds is ancient, can't hit, and runs routes in the outfield like that kid that gets shoved in right field because he sucks and his mom makes him play. I mean, this seems like an awful idea. There can't possibly be one benefit to signing Jim Edmonds, can there?


PETCO Park is a pitcher's park: FACT.
Wrigley Field is a hitter's park: FACT.
Jim Edmonds will hit better here because Jason Kendall did last year. It's science. Moving on ...
Jim Edmonds has won a World Series: FACT.
Jim Edmonds is gritty and dirty and hustle-y: FACT.
Jim Edmonds played for Tony La Russa, the greatest genius manager of all-time: FACT.
That loser Reed Johnson played for super-geek Ricciardi in Toronto: FACT.
Felix Pie is a prospect and nothing good ever comes from prospects, ever: FACT.
We must sign Jim Edmonds right now: FACT.

JH: Holy crap, you're right. See, people wondered why I wanted you in the front office, but this, this is why we need you, Dave.

DL: I'll call his agent and offer him $172 million for the remainder of the season.

JH: Why did Tony La Russa just e-mail me a picture of his ass with the caption, "Who's the NL Central champs now, bitch?"