Wednesday, December 19, 2007

It's a Miserable Life Part 1

Remember back when I said I had more to say about Bill Simmons' assertion that the Cabrera play was the worst thing to happen to any sports fans anywhere in the last 25 years? Well, I wasn't kidding. It's the Christmas season again, which means it's time to have some WHYGAVS fun. There's between one and two more parts to this and I promise it'll be finished before Christmas.

It's a snowy December night in Pittsburgh. Robert Oliver Wagner stands on the Roberto Clemente Bridge watching the snow fall, contemplating life. The winter meetings have just ended and the Pirates were once again a non-factor. In his despondent malaise, his girlfriend dumped him for caring more about a 'stupid baseball team' than her. Finally, Robert O. Wagner speaks the the magical words...

Robert: I wish Barry Bonds had thrown Sid Bream out. My life would be entirely different today.

A figure approaches him on the bridge.

Mysterious man: Is that so, kid?

Robert takes stock of the man. He's grizzled looking and there's a large dip under his bottom lip. Finally, it dawns on him ...

Robert: Danny Murtaugh? What are you doing here? You're dead? Shouldn't you be in Pirate Heaven?

Murtaugh: Damn straight I'm Danny Murtaugh. Baseball legend, second class. Big man upstairs tells me I gotta earn my pass into the Hall of Fame.

Robert: Big guy? So, there's really ...

Murtaugh: Nah, Barney Dreyfuss is just being a dick since they let him in to the Hall. Anyways, they tell me I gotta do something to earn my pass, so I'm here to convince you your life is better because the Braves won the '92 NLCS.

Robert: That's a shit job.

Murtaugh: Yeah, I know. Dreyfuss is pissed because I spit tobacco juice all over his white shoes.

Murtaugh spits tobacco juice on Robert's white shoes. The snow stops

Murtaugh: That should do it.

Robert: Do what?

Murtaugh: Bonds threw Bream out at the plate, then hit a homer in the top of the tenth. Tim Wakefield shut down the top of the Braves order and won NLCS MVP. The Pirates beat the Blue Jays in seven games with Doug Drabek throwing a complete game shutout in Game 7 and the Pirates won the world championship. You were never born.

Robert: I was never born? But I was born seven years before all that stuff happened. How does that make sense?

Murtaugh: I'm just f&*$!$# with ya.

Robert: Can we at least go back to 1992 and watch the games?

What do I look like? A friggin' magician?

Robert: Well you just spit tobacco juice on me and changed the space/time continuum, so yes.

Murtaugh: Shut up. Come with me.

Danny and Robert walk over the Clemente bridge. Even on a cold, snowy night, there's a light on Federal Street beckoning them forward. Suddenly Robert notices something very different outside of the Pirates' stadium.

Robert: Is that ... No ... it can't be!

Don't you hate it when they say... TO BE CONTINUED!!!