Yes, Virginia, there is a Nutting family

Anyone that's a regular reader of Dejan's Q&A knows that he's fond of joking that he has no real evidence to prove that the Nutting family actually exists (at least I think he's joking). It being December 21st and all, people often spend this time of year talking about another mythical character. With the theme of this week being "have fun and not talk about Gonzo rumors," let's keep it going. If you're looking for the original "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus," editorial (which is one of my all-time favorite Christmas reads) just click here.

Dear WHYGAVS Editor,

I am eight years old. Some of my little friends say that there is no Nutting Family. Papa tells me, 'If you see it on WHYGAVS, it must be so.' Please tell me the truth. Is there a Nutting Family?

Andrea V. Slyke
18 Nintenty-Second Street.

And of course, the response:

Andrea, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the optimism often so endowed upon the very young. They believe things they want to be true, rather than things they know are the truth. All minds, Andrea, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours man is a mere utility player, an Abe Nunez, a Raphael Belliard.

Yes, Andrea, there is a Nutting Family. They exist as certainly as greed and avarice exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its lowest despair and depression. Indeed! How wonderful would be the world if there were no Nutting Family! It would be as wonderful as if there were no Francisco Cabreras. There would be childlike faith in baseball, poetry, romance, and a tolerable existence during the summer months in Pittsburgh. We should have limitless enjoyment in all of the senses. The eternal light of the franchise that has now been dimmed by fourteen consectuve losing seasons would be bright once again.

Not believe in the Nutting Family? You might as well not believe in John Wehner! You might get your papa to check the owner's box at PNC Park every day from April through October, but even if they never saw the Nutting Family, what would that prove? Nobody sees the Nutting Family, but that is no sign that there is no Nutting Family. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see the World Series Champions dancing at PNC Park? Of course not, but that's not proof that World Series Champions do not exist. Nobody can concieve or imagine all the wonders that are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart a baseball to see what's there, but there is a veil covering the winning world which not the strongest man could tear apart. Only faith, Latin American scouting, improved player development, and common sense can push aside that curtain and view the picture and glorious victory beyond. Ah, Andrea, unfortunately the Nuttings do not believe in these methods of improving a baseball team. They instead focus upon cutting costs, shooting fireworks, lying to the fans, and making money. No Nutting Family? We could only wish! They live and they will live forever! Not even a Seven Springs gaming license will stand between them and us. A thousand years from now, nay, ten-thousand years from now they will continue to destory the hope and dreams of childhood.