Theme music

To avoid actually talking Pirates baseball, let's talk about one of the best things about going to the ballpark, hearing the ridiculous songs that the players have chosen for their at-bat music. Most of the players miss the mark terribly, so I'm here to rectify that. That's right, it's time for at-bat music for all of the Pirates active roster. There's only two rules, I have to be able to find it on my iPod and I can't use any artists twice. And I'll try not to be too mean.

Jason Bay- Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangsta, The Ghetto Boys. I would imagine that coming to PNC Park for Jason Bay on a daily basis must be similar to what going to Initech was like for Peter Gibbons.

Jeromy Burnitz- Living on a Prayer, Bon Jovi. Let's get the breakdown, Bon Jovi used to be kind of good, but not really. When I'm drunk, Bon Jovi is always a good idea for the jukebox. Jeromy Burnitz also used to be kind of good, but not really. And Dave Littlefield had to be drunk to think signing him was a good idea. And the title aptly describes any hopes he has for a decent year this year.

Freddy Sanchez- Fight for your Right, Beastie Boys. Except he has to keep fighting for his right to play.

Craig Wilson- Elevation, U2. I'm not touching this one, big guitar, awful song, strangely fitting for Craig Wilson. Plus, who's gonna argue with Thor on musical choice? Last year he changed his song to the Killers crapfest Mr. Brightside. In fact, I think I'm making this my ring tone. EL-E-VA-TION

Joe Randa- Better off Without You, The Clarks. I really like the Joker (who's just too past his prime to snag that song) and I feel bad, but this is self explanatory. Prove me wrong Joe, prove me wrong.

Jose Hernandez- Don't Fear the Reaper, Blue Oyster Cult. Jose's getting a little old, this is just some helpful advice.

Mike Edwards- Help I'm a Rock, Frank Zappa. Actually, a rock might be more useful than Mike Edwards.

Humberto Cota- Simple Man, Lynyrd Skynyrd. Aptly describes Humberto, he doesn't bother himself with things like "hitting," he just catches. He's a (say it with me) simple kind of man.

Jack Wilson- Jumpin' Jack Flash, The Rolling Stones. Crazy how the only two people on the Pirates who's at-bat music I wouldn't touch are both named Wilson.

Jose Castillo- Purple Haze, Jimi Hendrix. Jose does some great things with the glove, but sometimes when I watch Jose play second base I get the distinct impression that he, well, don't know if he's coming up or down.

Chris Duffy- Won't Get Fooled Again, The Who. Jake Brumfield. Jermain Allensworth. Chad Hermansen. Tike Redman. Chris Duffy. Hopefully Andrew McCutchen can rise above this mess.

Nate McLouth- What's My Age Again?, Blink-182. Seriously, I think this kid has class with my brother. My brother that's a junior in high school. This isn't being mean, it's being observant.

Ronny Paulino- I honestly don't feel like I know enough about Paulino to do this for him.

And good news, we have a bonus selection:

Dave Littlefield, Kevin McClatchy, and the Nutting Family- Song for the Dumped, Ben Folds Five. Sing it with me guys...

Give me my money back
Give me my money back
You bitch(es)
I want my money back
I want my money back
And don't forget
To give me back my black T-shirt.