Post-season report: Hitters

Alright, my test is over which means I now have time to give opinions on things besides off the cuff awards or playoff predictions. That specifically means it's judgement day for the Pirates. The hitters are up first. I feel like letter grades are incredibly subjective and hard to keep consistent. Instead we'll go with a disappointment scale comparing the Pirates offensive players performances with random pop culture references. Yeah, it's shamelessly Sports Guy inspired. And trust me, it's completely subjective. But it's way more fun than your run of the mill A's and B's.

Level 0 disappointments: A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time
It's everything you ever wanted. Only one guy failed to disappoint at all this year, the reigning NL Rookie of the Year, Jason Bay. It's not a stretch to say that the best left-fielder in the NL patrolled the vast expanse of left at PNC Park this year. Yeah, he's the only Pirate ever to go .300 with 30 homers, 100 ribbies, 20 steals, 40 doubles, 100 runs, etc. etc. He also played a fantastic left field from about June on, rivaling (if not surpassing) his predecessor Brian Giles. You simply could not have asked more of him. Well, I guess ONE homer during the derby would've been nice.

Level 1 disappointments: Katow-Jo and Baxter
Admit it, the first time you saw Anchorman you thought the bear thing at the end was stupid. Then you watched it 50 more times and you realized the rest of the movie was so hilarious you just didn't care how stupid the end was. Or maybe the bear thing was so stupid you just couldn't get past it. Thusly, the rookies go here, mostly because they showed us lots of good things, but they also showed us things that made us go, "huh"? Chris Duffy was great but showed a penchant for injury. Brad Eldred showed us great power, both in home runs and in alternative windmill power. Ryan Doumit alternated between scorching hot and freezing cold, and we still wonder about him behind the plate. Is Nate McLouth got hot towards the end, but he was far from hot for most of the year and he looked like a klutz at times in the outfield. I'm also going to lump Freddy Sanchez in here for a couple reasons. First off, it was his first full season, and second off despite some cold streaks he was way too good both at the plate and in the field to be a Level 2 Disappointment in my book. Same goes for Jose Castillo, he's young with a good bat, flashes of brilliance in the field, but lots of mental mistakes and a fairly serious injury to end the season.

For the record, I love Anchorman and I think the chances are good I'm going to feel the same way about these guys next year.

Level 2 Disappointments: Lindsay Lohan
She's been on a crash collision with crack-whoredom for about three years now, but then "Mean Girls" came out, someone made you watch it, and you really liked it. You got your hopes up, then she turned into a giant crackwhore anyways and you were disappointed. Same goes for the following Pirates. Humberto Cota had some huge hits, but those were about the only hits he got. Rob Mackowiak and Daryle Ward had hot starts but then combined for the biggest power outage since the 2003 blackout. We didn't expect a lot from any of them but they all tantalized us with flashes of brilliance.

Level 3 Disappointments: The Gallagher Brothers
(What's the Story) Morning Glory was one of the best albums of the early/mid 90s. Oasis was one of the biggest bands on the planet. Things couldn't go wrong for the Gallagher brothers. Then they got drunk and beat the crap out of each other a lot, resulting in a bunch of albums that weren't really bad, but weren't really good either. Where's this headed? Why to the Wilsons of course. Both had breakout 2004s and should've lead this team this year. Instead Jack took too long to recover from his holiday emergency appendectomy and piddled around .230 all year (he played great defense, but anything less than that would've been a shock) while Craig kept injuring his hand in different ways and never seemed to find his power stroke even when he was healthy.

Level 4 Disappointments: Chad Hermansen
Somewhere along the line someone probably thought these guys were good too. You'd just never know it watching them attempt to play baseball. You know who I'm talking about, Ty Wigginton and his butchering of all things leather related, his inability to hit anything but southpaws, his amazing shock at his demotion to AAA, and his referral to himself as "Steel." And don't forget Tike Redman, he of the .624 OPS and the rock gloved outfield play which caused Greg Brown to utter the timeless exclamation "Tike Redman just dropped the easiest fly ball you'll ever see!" Michael Restovich gets lumped in here too, despite his lack of playing time for a couple reasons, his steroid built physique, his being the worst defensive outfielder on a team with Tike Redman and Craig Wilson, and his all around lack of baseball ability.

Didn't see enough time to register on the scale:
JJ Furmaniak, Jose Batista, Jody Gerut (he's probably going to be a huge disappointment but he's getting the benefit of the doubt for now, it's not his fault Dave Littlefield traded for him). Also, Matt Lawton's gone and no one needs ever speak of the Matt Lawton era ever again and we all just feel bad for Bobby Hill.

Pitchers coming later today or maybe tomorrow.